I tried to control my fear, and it didn’t work. So I’m done.

If you’ve read my blog, you’ll notice a continuing trend: Fear (aka the mean reds). This is my latest attempt to deal with it and prevent it from owning my life. I wrote this privately, not intending to publish it, but I decided to be open about this struggle.

Scarcity continues to define my life. It’s the point at which I start. I’ve often panicked when confronted with a lot of information and underestimated my ability to handle it. In the end, though, I can and do handle difficult things of all kinds, from big work projects to my own shortcomings and flaws. These fears are out of line with reality.

So how do I overcome this?

I don’t know. I really don’t know.

No matter what I’ve read or how much I’ve tried to talk myself out of it, those things aren’t working. I’ve got less anxiety when I’m in Nature and away from my “real world.” But that’s not an option I have every day. When things get tough, my anxiety grows from an annoying little shit into a towering monster. I try to sit with the fear, sit in vulnerability, talk it down again, run it away, sleep it away, write it away, eat it away, accept that it will never go away (and basically everything the wise Elizabeth Gilbert suggests). And maybe it shrinks for a little while, but soon it returns to monster state.

Maybe the only thing left is to surrender. OK, Fear, you win. You want to stay big, so stay big. Do your thing. I’m still going to show up in my life and I’m still going to try. That’s a commitment I’m making to courage. I’m tough; I can learn to live with this tightness in my chest and wasps in my abdomen.

Look, I know you are trying to protect me. Maybe you’re even trying to tell me something. But you’re so chaotic, I can’t tell if this is real intuition or if it’s you. But I believe, truly, that intuition is a quiet and calm voice, not the rush and rumble of your voice. Your voice is so powerful it drowns out everything! Don’t you see how it’s not helping me? You’re scared I’ll never get love and you’re scared if I do? How can I live like that? We must take the bad with the good and the good with the bad. That’s how life works. If I love, I could lose. If I don’t love, I’ve never really live and I’ve already lost. You want me to stay safe in a box and you don’t. You don’t make sense, Fear. You can’t have things all ways. 

I’m going to surrender and not worry about you anymore. I’m going to let you be because nothing else works. I won’t ignore you; I’ll watch you, instead. I’ll observe, but I won’t give in to it. Mindfulness, yes? That again.

For the love of god, please go easy on me.

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2 thoughts on “I tried to control my fear, and it didn’t work. So I’m done.

    1. Thank you, you too! It comes and goes. This week, I’m doing a lot better. At least as time goes on, I become better at dealing with all the demons.

      Liked by 1 person

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