To fight or flee or sit quietly

I sometimes want to escape, to leave it all behind.

Not even only on the days where everything has gone to hell, either. Sometimes it’s on the normal day when I have a lot to be happy about and a lot to look forward to.

Tonight, I want to feel a new wind on my face, new scents in my lungs and a new sun in my eyes. Soon. My senses need refreshing. I want to feel love on my skin and in the small of my back and on my lips and in my eyes.

I want nothing less than transcendence. To escape from the jumble of thoughts in my mind, the online hatred, the politics, the chores, the mundane. It’s all too much sometimes.

This is what it is to be human. I can love my life and still want to leave it behind for a little while. I have given more of myself than I’m used to in recent month. My life is changing, and I’m still adjusting. It’s OK to not be OK. Life is not comfort and happiness and joy. A few of our days will see us off kilter and struggling. We’ll want to fight or flee or get caught, frozen, in between where we can do neither.

Tonight, I am calling on my courage to sit with this vague, unformed anxiety. I wil be here with this fear; maybe it’s true to tell me something or maybe I’m secretly afraid it’s all going to fall apart.

I’ll find out, I suppose.

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